“Please let there be zombies. Please let there be zombies.”

Since their first appearance in modern form in George A. Romero’s 1978 film Dawn of the Dead, zombies have eaten their way into our hearts and minds to become pop culture icons. Dismiss zombies from the doomsday equation at your peril. If life teaches us anything, it is that you should expect the unexpected. And as there are few apocalypse scenarios more unexpected than zombies, this may be the one to place your bets on, even at astronomical odds. It would be a fool indeed who does not, at very least, have a contingency plan in place to deal with an undead world. Heaven help those who sneer at the thought of a zombie apocalypse, for they will invariably be the first ones clasping their entrails as they try and drag themselves away from a ravenous horde of living
dead on Z-Day.

Don’t say you haven’t been warned.

There are a few things that you probably need to know to avoid becoming a mobile Happy Meal.

Don’t Panic

Of all the possible apocalypse scenarios, zombies are, at least initially, one of the least dramatic. The chances of you actually seeing a zombie on D-Day is quite remote. The most you would be likely see is the tail-end of a television news report of a bizarre murder somewhere in the Alaskan tundra or an SMS from a friend directing you to some shaky YouTube cell phone footage that “just has to be a hoax.” But don’t let the lack of fanfare fool you. A zombie apocalypse may have a slow start, but it will soon snowball into a
gorefest that will leave the majority of humanity as walking leftovers in just a few short weeks.

While the first media broadcasts of people being eaten alive in the streets will be greeted with skeptical disbelief by most, consider it a sign to immediately implement your survival plan. Time is still on your side. You have up to twenty-four hours in which to escape to your rural retreat or mountain refuge before the roads from the cities are choked with those fleeing the undead hordes.

Although it will, at times, be difficult to believe a zombie apocalypse is actually happening, the sooner you accept the reality of the situation, the greater your chances of survival. You may not be at ground zero on Z-Day, but how you react on the first day will determine if you still have all your body parts by the end of the week.

Know Your Enemy

It is impossible to know the exact nature of the zombie threat prior to the apocalypse. But one thing is for sure: They won’t be running. Popular though the fast so-called zombies of recent celluloid features may be, real zombies are slow. Think about it. Death is the
ultimate inhibitor. If one comes back from death, one is hardly likely to be imbued with superpowers. You would be a mere shadow of your former self. Zombies shamble, shuffle and stagger; they don’t sprint, vault over abandoned cars or launch choreographed
attacks that look more like the New York City Marathon.

You can easily sidestep a zombie. Run rings around one if you like. But it’s the moment that you become overconfident and let down your guard that you will feel the shattered teeth of some legless ghoul latching onto your ankle.

Zombies should never be underestimated. They are relentless, merciless and almost unstoppable.

Pick Them Off From a Distance

Projectile weapons, such as bows and arrows, guns, RPGs and even nuclear missiles were invented for a reason: to put as much distance between you and your adversary as possible, while still inflicting a mortal wound. The closer you are to your enemy, the greater the chance that they can inflict an injury on you. Close-order combat with zombies should only be engaged in as a last resort; it poses significant risks to your safety. But sometimes, there will simply be no avoiding it. You will just have to get your hands dirty.

Although an assortment of handheld weapons have been used with spectacular results in many Hollywood movies, in reality, using bludgeons, such as baseball bats and gardening tools, is fraught with potential dangers and should only be considered when there are no other options.

A zombie does not need to take a bite out your left arm to contaminate you. The facts are that the zombie virus is transmitted through body fluids. Anybody slicing a zombie in two with a chainsaw or impaling one with a fence post is likely to be drenched in infected gore. It only takes one drop of blood or other body fluids for you to join the legion of undead.

Even with a handgun, the chances of you hitting a small, moving target, such as a zombie’s head, is very low. At close range (less than three yards), trained professionals, such as police officers, have less than a forty percent chance of hitting their target
in a field situation.

Play it safe. Pick them off from a distance.

Keep Quiet

Noise attracts zombies. Need I say more?

Wear Protective Clothing

That small scratch on the back of your hand you got while foraging for food in a dimly lit supermarket but never got round to putting a bandaid on could be more of a threat to what’s left of your life than you may first think. You don’t have to have your left leg
unexpectedly gnawed off by a zombie postal worker to become infected. Any cut or abrasion can be an access point for infection. Also, screaming for divine assistance as you plunge your 11-in. Stanley screwdriver into a zombie’s vacant eye socket may not be
as good an idea as it seems at the time. Infected blood or brain tissue spraying into your open mouth or eyes could see you joining the ranks of the undead before the weekend.

It is of vital importance that you be appropriately attired before engaging in any melee with the living dead. This includes full face protection, such as a handyman’s face shield or goggles and a surgical mask. Although you may look more like an abattoir worker than a hired assassin, at least you won’t have to worry about waking
up to find yourself dead the next morning.

Never Turn Your Back

It goes without saying that you can never assume a zombie is “dead” just because it is down for the count. Zombies have a nasty habit of lurching to their feet again when you least expect it, even if you have pumped a couple of quick rounds into their cranium. Bullets are strange things and can often be harmlessly deflected by skull bone, leaving a zombie’s grey matter fully intact.

Zombies have the remarkable ability to keep going despite dropping body parts like the leaves of autumn. It is prudent to give even fully dismembered zombies (think, Black Knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail) a wide berth, as they are sometimes capable of rolling like tumble weeds to savage their prey.

Also, bear in mind that, in certain situations, it can be quite difficult to distinguish between the living and the living dead. Those dearly departed, who have not long joined the ranks of the undead, may display few outward signs of decomposition. You cannot assume that the awkward gait and gormless expression on the face of the guy from apartment 101 means that he is a zombie. If in doubt, take evasive action.

Aim For the Head

When it comes to zombies, anything less than a head shot is a waste of valuable time and effort. Dispense with your classic “two to the center mass, one to the head” routine. “Double taps” or “hammered pairs” to the head are what counts; anything else is
just window dressing.

Overcome Your Squeamishness

The post-apocalyptic world of the undead is not for the squeamish. The sooner you overcome your natural aversion blood and guts, the sooner you will be able to take the new world order in your stride and carve a niche for yourself.

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The importance of having good quality survival gear is never more important than when facing the rigors of the apocalypse. This is particularly true of the humble knife. Since the very dawn of human ingenuity, mankind has been sharpening implements to carve a place for himself in a world that would see him destroyed. Flint blades were as important to Paleolithic man as cell phones are to Cyberlithic man. Someday, when the tables are inevitably turned and we again find ourselves fighting tooth and nail for our very existence, a good knife will never be far from the hand of all those who prevail in the post-apocalyptic world.

A knife is the most fundamental and versatile of tools. It is equally at home shaving the stubble from a solar flare-ravaged chin, opening that last can of fruit from the back shelf of your bunker supply store or severing the arm of the mutant hillbilly that is clutching your left leg. Whether you use a knife in your domestic bomb-shelter situation or in hand-to-hand combat, here are a few points to consider.

1) All dressed up and nowhere to go

It is better to have a knife and not use it than to need a knife and not have one. While you may have little need of a survival/combat/hunting knife in your present situation, there may come a time when your survival will depend on it. You may be called upon to use a knife to perform all manner of unsavory tasks and it is vital that you overcome any psychological barriers you may have sooner, rather than later. Just as few now leave home without your cell phone, in the dark post-apocalyptic world strapping on your knife must become second nature. Don’t leave home without one.

2) Size isn’t everything

As so often said, it is not how big your weapon is, but how you use it. Your knife need not be as large as a bayonet to be effective. In fact, large knives, although intimidating for an assailant, may be somewhat unwieldy for the multitude of uses they will be put to in your day-to-day life. Keep your blade length to 6 inches or less.

3) There’s no substitute of quality

It has been said that there never was a good knife made from bad steel. It is imperative that you secure a quality blade. Cheap imports just won’t cut it in the do-or-die post-apocalyptic world. Your blade must be of quality materials and construction, able to withstand the considerable demands of daily use. A blade that soon loses it edge or snaps at an inopportune moment may put not only you, but those that depend on you at risk.

4) Keep it simple, stupid

While multi-purpose knives bristling with numerous attachments may have their place, it is important that your primary knife is sturdy, reliable and simple. A single cutting edge is all you need, with some serration tossed in somewhere for good measure. Leave the flamboyant knife designed as ‘tool kit in your pocket’ for show-and-tell. A single will suffice.

5) No time like the present

Don’t wait for the post-apocalypse rush for cold steel. Secure your knife now. Not only will quality knives be in short supply after doomsday, but it always pays to familiarize yourself with using potentially dangerous tools well before you need to use them in the field. As with most tools, practice makes perfect. You need not be as handy with a blade as John Locke (Lost), but being able to handle one without injuring yourself is imperative. In a post-apocalyptic world devoid of antibiotics and specialist surgeons, even small cuts can result in your untimely demise.

And always remember, as the song says, make the first cut the deepest.

Isn’t it interesting how the high and mighty so readily rub shoulders with tin-pot dictators one moment and drop bombs on them the next. Don’t you think it would be eminently more sensible to use official meet-and-greet sessions for pre-emptive strikes? A strategic knee to the groin or unexpected upper-cut would certainly catch these bottom-feeders off-guard. A hessian bag over the head and unceremoniously bundling them into the back of a waiting vehicle would save everyone such a lot of trouble. Sure it would ruffle a few diplomatic feathers, but considering the alternative, wouldn’t it be best for all concerned. With each cruise missile costing in the vicinity of $600,000.00, how much would it cost to nab these narcissistic jerks on these occasions? Nothing. But the pleasure it would bring … priceless.

If you thought the radiation dangers in Japan of late are a concern, then you may wish to consider the hazards posed by a thermo-nuclear reactor a million times larger than the earth – the sun. Apart from the threats of skin cancer due to over-exposure, we may in the near future have to contend with solar storms that could relegate our very way of life to the annuals of history.

Just before midday on September 1, 1859, the eminent British astronomer Richard Carrington observed an enormous solar flare on the surface of the sun. Erupting from a sunspot aimed directly at the earth, a massive cloud of magnetically charged plasma, called a coronal mass ejection (CME), swept 91 million miles (146 million km) between the sun and our planet in less than eighteen hours (it usually takes three or four days).

As the supercharged particles washed over our planet, they created the largest geomagnetic storm in recorded history. Skies around the globe erupted in spectacular displays of red, purple and green auroras, so bright in some places that newspapers could be read at midnight. Auroras, usually only seen at the poles, were even visible from tropical latitudes over such places as Hawaii and the Caribbean.

Most alarming was the solar storm’s impact on the only technology vulnerable to power surges at the time. The telegraph system was disrupted worldwide, with some telegraph operators being shocked by electrical discharges and, in some cases, telegraph paper bursting into flames.

Ice core samples, measuring high-energy proton radiation, reveal evidence that events of this magnitude occur approximately once every five hundred years, with lesser events occurring several times per century. Less severe storms have occurred in 1921 and 1960, when widespread radio disruption was reported. In March, 1989 a magnetic storm resulted in the Quebec power-grid going down for 9 hours, leaving more than nine million Canadians without power.

While damage from the 1859 solar storm was not great, our modern society is now significantly more vulnerable to solar activity since it is so heavily dependent on technology.

2012 marks the peak of the sun’s eleven-year solar cycle. Scientists at the National Center for Atmospheric Research (NCAR) have predicted it could mark the most intense solar maximum in 50 years. With the potential to knock out power grids, fry satellites to a crisp and bring down global communications and navigations systems, the coming solar storms could prove cataclysmic to our technology-driven society. We would effectively be turning back our lifestyle clock by one hundred years. Imagine the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, worldwide, for months or even years. With no banking, electric gas pumps, oil refineries, transportation, refrigeration, news reports, sewage disposal, tap water, phone services, Internet or supermarket grocery shopping, how long would it be before all hell broke loose on the streets? Three days without power and the natives get restless; three weeks and it’s Lord of the Flies all over again. It may be time to start battening the hatches.

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With advances in technology, androids will be increasingly more difficult to identify, particularly from a distance. This Japanese HRP-4C model will, in the future, seem as advances a the 70’s video game ‘Pong’ looks to us now.

If recent Hollywood films (i.e. The Road, The Book of Eli) are anything to go by, then we may be facing more than just the horrors of no wireless connection in the post-apocalyptic world. We may literally find ourselves in the proverbial stew if we fail to take a few common sense precautions.

Humanity has a long and ignoble history of eating other sentient creatures on our planet. In fact, there are few things off limits to the adventurous gastronaut. Yet, in today’s polite society, the line seems to be firmly drawn at members of our own species. If the psychological and cultural inhibitions we have for eating our neighbors are overcome, then everyone you pass on the street becomes a veritable fast-food outlet.

In a time of post-nuclear famine, not everyone can afford the luxury of being picky when it comes to their dietary habits. When faced with sifting through ash-covered fields for beetle larvae or the odd wizened root, species prejudice may soon wear a little thin and a freshly carved and marinated human round steak, served with a zesty roadside salad, may start to look a little more appealing. It is important to remember that most cannibals are people just like you, only they have a different culinary ethic.

If cannibals of necessity are a bit hard to stomach, then you may definitely have bitten off more than you can chew if you meet a cannibal of ideology. Although much rarer, those who are cannibals by philosophical choice can present a formidable obstacle to keeping all your bits and pieces firmly intact. What better way of demonstrating your dominance over your enemy than eating them? It represents the highest vindication of Darwin’s “survival of the fittest.” Defeating your adversary with a sword is one thing, but to vanquish your enemy with a knife and fork is quite another.

CAN YOU SURVIVE “THE END?” And if you do…what then?, March 14, 2011, Don Blankenship.

Finally we have a “do it yourself book” that is worth the paper it is written on! After months, indeed years of worry and fretting about the “End Times,” the total or near destruction of earth, the end of civilization and such stuff as that, I have found here a book that is truly helpful!

Ask yourself what you are going to do if a massive asteroid hits earth. What happens if the polar ice caps should suddenly melt? What if we are invaded by aliens from another galaxy? What if we suffer a take-over by hoards of mind dead zombies? What if a plague kills off 99 percent of mankind? What if the Mayan legend is true and our time is up on December 21, 2012?

Oh what to do, what to do?

Well W.H. Mumfrey has given us excellent answers here …

Read the complete review here

1) Head for the Hills

Mega-tsunamis could travel at least 20 miles (30 km) or more inland depending on the local topography and the size of the wave. To be safe, you need to be as far away from the coast as possible, preferably in an elevated position. Don’t leave your evacuation to the last moment. When the sirens start sounding, it will be too late. Every man and his dog will be throwing a box of valuables into the back of the sedan and hitting the road. There will be little chance of you getting clear in time even if the roads were empty, let alone gridlocked with horn-sounding motorists fleeing an imminent dunking. Remember, waves can wash further up a slope than their actual crest height.

2) Watch for the Sudden Exposure of the Seafloor

Tsunamis may sometimes be preceded by what is known as a drawdown, where the ocean suddenly recedes, leaving hapless beachgoers walking on the exposed shallow sea floor pointing at flapping fish. This is caused by the trough (lowest part of the wave between the crests) of the wave reaching the shore before the crest. Be warned: Drawdowns do not always happen; sometimes you’ll have no warning. The first thing you’ll see, and quite possibly the last thing you’ll ever see, will be a foaming tower of death breaking
over your picnic.

3) Faster than a Speeding Bullet

Well, maybe not quite that fast, but fast enough for you to forget about putting on your running shoes. In the open ocean, tsunamis can travel as fast as a jumbo jet (600 mph or 965 kph). Although their speed slows significantly in shallow waters near the coast, by the time you see one, it will be too late. Sounding like a freight train from hell, the best you can hope for are a few moments to make your peace with your chosen deity.

4) Stay Afloat

If worse comes to worst and you find yourself swept away in one of these washing machines from hell, try to make your way to thesurface as quickly as possible. Apart from drowning, most deaths during a tsunami result from injuries sustained from being pummelled by submerged debris. Claw your way to the surface and drag
yourself onto anything afloat; the bigger the better.

5) There’s More A’coming

Just like ripples on a pond, tsunamis come in sets of three or more waves. The first may not necessarily be the largest. Surviving the first wave does not guarantee you are out of danger. Use the time between the arrival of each wave to further secure your position
or move to higher ground.

6) Out to Sea

The safest place to be when confronted by a tsunami is out to sea. In deep ocean water, a tsunami forms only a small, harmless swell, generally less than 3 feet (1 m) in height;
most of the power of the tsunami is deep beneath the surface. It is only as it approaches the shallow waters of a coastline that it grows into the vertical wall of death so often portrayed in disaster films. In the open ocean, tsunamis are barely distinguishable from normal, wind-generated waves and will often go unnoticed by seafarers.

(from The Offical Underground 2012 Doomsday Survival Handbook)